Posts tagged Mum

Fucking subconscious…

March 5, 2009 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged ,

I had a weird dream that wasn’t bad until the end and until I woke up and thought about it.

We were at this futuristic mall/spaceship cruise/hotel thing (but it was now, so that was weird). It was Joel, Iain and Susan, my Dad, Lesley and Tim… and my Mum. She had apparently been brought back from the dead (and she wasn’t a zombie or a robot or a cloud of ashes or anything, she was herself). And it was great. We were all acting as if nothing had happened and we were happy and everyone was enjoying themselves.

The spaceship had a self-service kitchen that we all made dinner together in and it was an incredibly happy moment. Then we got back to the parking garage and the car and we all piled in to go home and I had to move some papers to get into my seat and when I looked at them, I realized that they were burial/cremation/funeral home pamphlets and when I asked about it, my Dad explained that yes, Mum was back, but it was only going to be for a week and then she would die again and we had to make the arrangements for her 2nd funeral.

So yeah, really enjoyable dream up until the ending… and then when I woke up, I started thinking about it and how great it was to have her back and everything and now I’m completely thrown off.

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I shouldn’t be complaining…

February 28, 2009 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Things are going pretty well…

-I will have my Master’s Degree in 10 weeks.

-I have a fiance who loves me madly and whom I love madly.

-I have a job.

-I’m relatively financially secure… not super-secure, but good for now.

-I have friends and family who care about me.

And yet tonight, I’m having one of my random sinking depressions.

I’m overwhelmed by the amount of school work I have left to do this semester. I’m overwhelmed by how expensive weddings are and how I want it to be a beautiful fairy-tale like party even though logically, I know we should just get eloped to save money and time and effort. I’m not happy as a part time grocery store employee and sometimes substitute teacher, but I don’t think I can get a full time job. I have a little bit of money, but not enough to be independent. My family and friends care about me and I care about them, but sometimes people just get on my nerves.

Sometimes I just want to run around screaming at the top of my lungs. Just to see if anyone would notice. I’m on an emotional rollercoaster that I just can’t deal with. Instead of actually getting anything done today, I made to do lists of the stuff I need to do. I planned for the cleaning craziness that will be happening once I graduate in May… and looked at houses online because Joel wants to get a house when his lease is up… except he keeps lowering the amount he would be willing/able to spend, but not changing the requirements that he has for said house. And we can’t afford the wedding we want, so how can he be looking for houses? Gah. I’ve got too much to worry about right now and I don’t feel like I can get anything done or calm down about anything and blargledeegoop.

And I miss my Mum and this Sunday would be her birthday if she were alive and it sucks that she’s dead and it still hurts and I hate that she’s not around. I hate that she won’t be here for my graduation from Grad School this May. She never graduated from college, so I’m sure she would be so fucking proud of me, but she’s not here to see it. FUCK. I don’t want to deal with this. I think that’s probably where a lot of these negative sinking depressive feelings are coming from, but I don’t want to deal with it because I don’t have time to deal with it… I have too much other stuff to do… I can’t afford to break down right now. I can’t afford to cry and let it out and deal with my emotions. Gah dammit. Crying now. Don’t have time. Need to stop. Gotta stop writing and go work on homework.

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So, here we are again…

February 16, 2008 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged

It’s February 16th. Again. Happens every year. Why can’t it just skip that day? No one needs it.

It’s been five years since my Mum died without warning. She felt a little nauseous during the day and then just… died.

In 3 minutes (5:05 am), it will be exactly five years. Whoever said that dealing with a loss gets easier as time passes is a liar. It’s still just as painful today as it was when it happened. Although, maybe a little less shocking. I’m trying really hard not to cry right now, although I don’t know why because there isn’t anyone here to experience my tears.

The thing that hurts the most is that she isn’t around to witness us growing up. Iain’s graduation from college, buying a house, getting a good job. My high school graduation, college graduation, grad school work, etc. She doesn’t get to see any of that. And it also hurts that I don’t remember her as well as I should anymore. I still miss and love her and think of her daily, but I can’t remember what her voice sounds like or what her favorite things were or anything like that, really. There are just glimpses of things in my mind, but nothing concrete and that hurts me so much.

I want to be able to talk to her and tell her about my problems/struggles or about the good things in my life, I want to be able to hug her and hear her laugh and just be with her.

It’s not fair. I know that’s the middle school kind of thing to say/whine, but it’s true. It isn’t fair that  such a wonderful person was taken from the world and her life was cut too far too short. It isn’t fair that my Dad feels like he is alone in the world. It isn’t fair at all.

I really wanted this post to be eloquent and well-worded, but I can’t do it. All I can do is be miserable… so I’m going to stop writing now, because it’s not helping.

Mum~ I miss you so much that it is impossible to put into words.

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