Posts tagged job

I shouldn’t be complaining…

February 28, 2009 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Things are going pretty well…

-I will have my Master’s Degree in 10 weeks.

-I have a fiance who loves me madly and whom I love madly.

-I have a job.

-I’m relatively financially secure… not super-secure, but good for now.

-I have friends and family who care about me.

And yet tonight, I’m having one of my random sinking depressions.

I’m overwhelmed by the amount of school work I have left to do this semester. I’m overwhelmed by how expensive weddings are and how I want it to be a beautiful fairy-tale like party even though logically, I know we should just get eloped to save money and time and effort. I’m not happy as a part time grocery store employee and sometimes substitute teacher, but I don’t think I can get a full time job. I have a little bit of money, but not enough to be independent. My family and friends care about me and I care about them, but sometimes people just get on my nerves.

Sometimes I just want to run around screaming at the top of my lungs. Just to see if anyone would notice. I’m on an emotional rollercoaster that I just can’t deal with. Instead of actually getting anything done today, I made to do lists of the stuff I need to do. I planned for the cleaning craziness that will be happening once I graduate in May… and looked at houses online because Joel wants to get a house when his lease is up… except he keeps lowering the amount he would be willing/able to spend, but not changing the requirements that he has for said house. And we can’t afford the wedding we want, so how can he be looking for houses? Gah. I’ve got too much to worry about right now and I don’t feel like I can get anything done or calm down about anything and blargledeegoop.

And I miss my Mum and this Sunday would be her birthday if she were alive and it sucks that she’s dead and it still hurts and I hate that she’s not around. I hate that she won’t be here for my graduation from Grad School this May. She never graduated from college, so I’m sure she would be so fucking proud of me, but she’s not here to see it. FUCK. I don’t want to deal with this. I think that’s probably where a lot of these negative sinking depressive feelings are coming from, but I don’t want to deal with it because I don’t have time to deal with it… I have too much other stuff to do… I can’t afford to break down right now. I can’t afford to cry and let it out and deal with my emotions. Gah dammit. Crying now. Don’t have time. Need to stop. Gotta stop writing and go work on homework.

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And even more blog…

February 8, 2008 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged , , , , , ,

Hi again.

I’ve realized that I really need to stop whining (That doesn’t mean I will, just that I’m feeling better right now).

Things I need to work on:

Keeping up with my work for class. Just because I hate my classes doesn’t mean I should slack off and then stress myself out more. I will triumph over Procrastination.

My weight. I need to actually eat well (after this weekend…) and perhaps even exercise. Once Erica gets a dog and I have an excuse to go on walks, this will be mucho easier. I know WHAT I need to do to be healthier, now I just need to do it and stick to it.

Job. Find one, and soon. The Rochester Area Teacher Recruitment Fair is April 9th, and I’ve already submitted my resume for that, but that isn’t enough. I need to apply to sub places so I can get experience. Although Erica’s suggestion of seeing if there are jobs at the local library (even volunteer work) sounds promising, because I love organizing things (as long as it isn’t my house) and I love books. Also, the other day I went to Joel’s work (at the RIT library) and helped him catalog things and send them away to other places and get books off the shelves and SCAN them and I had so much fun. *biggest dork ever* So maybe if this teaching thing doesn’t work out, I’ll be a librarian. I could pull of eccentric librarian quite well, I feel.

Mild depression. I am not diagnosed with depression, but that doesn’t mean I don’t suffer from it. It gets worse when I’m not sleeping/eating, or when I’m stressed or when I dwell on things. All of which I can work on. I need to get on a real sleep schedule, switching between 7 am to noon, 11 pm to 4 pm, and other various crazy sleep patterns is NOT GOOD FOR ME, so I need to try and figure out a good sleep schedule. I’ve already covered eating well (and more often… I’m currently a no breakfast, grab a snack, binge late at night eater, and that’s no good… I spend half of my day hungry and the other half mad at myself). And stress is something I should work on handling better. I think if I can sort out some of the things earlier in this post, then my stress should eventually fizzle away… or at least become more manageable and then I can be a happy person? Well, at least happier.

Friends. I need to keep better contact with the friends that I miss. Although, this blog is a way to keep in contact with one of them, I need to put more effort into the other friendships that I cherish. And I need to work on the friendships I don’t cherish. Everyone has ways that they drive people insane, I need to stop focusing on the things that some of my friends do that drive me crazy and more on the things that make me want to keep their friendship even though they drive me nuts.

Negativity. This definitely needs to change. I’m becoming a bitter bitch, for lack of a better term, and it’s annoying to me and probably boring/obnoxious to those around me. I used to be an optimist… well, at least a pessimist with quasi-optimistic tendencies every once in a while. What happened to that? Things are not as bad as I make them out to be. I have so many good things in my life, yet I focus on what I don’t have or the negative things about what I do, this needs to change. It really does. For serious. (… or Sirius? Gah, shut up, Me.)

Anyway, I’m currently updating my blog instead of cleaning my house for the partay tonight, so I need to go do that. I will battle Procrastination and come out the victor… I hope.

~Love.

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