Things are going pretty well…
-I will have my Master’s Degree in 10 weeks.
-I have a fiance who loves me madly and whom I love madly.
-I have a job.
-I’m relatively financially secure… not super-secure, but good for now.
-I have friends and family who care about me.
And yet tonight, I’m having one of my random sinking depressions.
I’m overwhelmed by the amount of school work I have left to do this semester. I’m overwhelmed by how expensive weddings are and how I want it to be a beautiful fairy-tale like party even though logically, I know we should just get eloped to save money and time and effort. I’m not happy as a part time grocery store employee and sometimes substitute teacher, but I don’t think I can get a full time job. I have a little bit of money, but not enough to be independent. My family and friends care about me and I care about them, but sometimes people just get on my nerves.
Sometimes I just want to run around screaming at the top of my lungs. Just to see if anyone would notice. I’m on an emotional rollercoaster that I just can’t deal with. Instead of actually getting anything done today, I made to do lists of the stuff I need to do. I planned for the cleaning craziness that will be happening once I graduate in May… and looked at houses online because Joel wants to get a house when his lease is up… except he keeps lowering the amount he would be willing/able to spend, but not changing the requirements that he has for said house. And we can’t afford the wedding we want, so how can he be looking for houses? Gah. I’ve got too much to worry about right now and I don’t feel like I can get anything done or calm down about anything and blargledeegoop.
And I miss my Mum and this Sunday would be her birthday if she were alive and it sucks that she’s dead and it still hurts and I hate that she’s not around. I hate that she won’t be here for my graduation from Grad School this May. She never graduated from college, so I’m sure she would be so fucking proud of me, but she’s not here to see it. FUCK. I don’t want to deal with this. I think that’s probably where a lot of these negative sinking depressive feelings are coming from, but I don’t want to deal with it because I don’t have time to deal with it… I have too much other stuff to do… I can’t afford to break down right now. I can’t afford to cry and let it out and deal with my emotions. Gah dammit. Crying now. Don’t have time. Need to stop. Gotta stop writing and go work on homework.
